Let's spice this up a bit

[johnevans3]

Looks like everyone has just quit the Forum and there's no activity here.  Here is a good (clean) joke to brighten things up a bit.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns
to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says
the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I
will have a steak,
baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon
of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[johnevans3]

http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/2461/flyin_egg_fight.swf

[gulf917]

Race Car Joke:

Your momma is like a race car, she burns out 4 rubbers a day!

Weak i know but hey y'all started it...

[SACK-U]

Two Green Park regulars were sitting on a viewing berm at turn 5 when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 53-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep," says Slim. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[SACK-U]

Two men are driving through Sebring on their way to the race when they get pulled over by a local cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Sebring Boy" the cop answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."  "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."  
 
The Sebring cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.  The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.  
 
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.  "Just making your wish come true," replies the cop.  "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.  "Because I know," the cop says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,  "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

[Kings_Suck]

It's time to do something about the naughty word filter when it messes up your punch line.

[SACK-U]

I can read it just fine

[KTJeffries]

hahaha, the filter made that joke twice as funny.

[DKWEST]

It's time to do something about the naughty word filter when it messes up your punch line.

I always just put a "tiny" space in the word. [size =5][/size]  Shi t


see,... you can hardly tell

[SACK-U]

These ate very Punny!



Here are the 10 first place winners in the International  Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The  stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron" The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and  were standing  in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, --- thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[johnevans3]

Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they
noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of
the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big
Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head to say no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

Again she shakes her head to say no.

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands,
turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her
right on the bottom!  

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the
food to dislodge.  :oops: The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her
skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned.

"I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his
heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"

 :lol:

[SACK-U]

This guy see's a Great looking lady sitting at the bar...

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the
Annual  Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is
the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry,"    she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you, since I don't  even know your name." 

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[johnevans3]

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Brenda Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[johnevans3]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?,Who cares)
(now you know... Bet you still don't care)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head,  before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....) ;-)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
 (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say
is...Damn Pigs

[gulf917]

Sebring Predicament  

Drunk race fan(From Green Park) staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.  

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits
there.  

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.  

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."